


Convoluted Thoughts

by sourire137



Category: In the Company of Shadows - Sonny & Ais
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 04:04:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8386510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sourire137/pseuds/sourire137
Summary: Ryan's thoughts are a jumbled mess and Kassian just had to add up to that when said those three words Ryan feared.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is canon compliant, post-Fade and pre-1/27.  
> I do not own the characters nor the main story this was based from. I wrote a scenario I made in my head based on the series by Sonny and Ais, "In the Company of Shadows."

_ How do you sort out your feelings? _

 

_ How do you even say you love someone? _

 

_ How do you feel love? _

 

_ How would you understand love? _

 

_ How would you deny your feelings? _

 

_ Can you deny something you do not understand? _

 

-

 

The empty spot on the coffee table was not like him at all. A clean space is something he's not used to anymore. Cable wires, joysticks, computer parts, food wrappers, pieces of paper and scattered clothes would always be seen on any part of this room. It was not like that certain space is reserved for something. It’s just… there are stuff that are meant to be there.

 

There used to be a bottle of vodka or a can of beer on the side. Maybe a pack of smokes or a box of pizza. Sometimes, a motorcycle helmet that would topple on the floor whenever he would bump to it. There’s supposed to be a leather jacket there, or a pair of gloves, sometimes a Ruger; it doesn’t matter.

 

“Fuck.” The curse came out naturally this time.

 

Pulling off his glasses he stood up from his beaten couch and walked towards his computer. He promised himself he wouldn’t do it, that he should stop it. Kassian is a fucking adult and he could handle himself more than Ryan could. There was no point looking for him, or tailing  him, or probably stalking him but Ryan could not shake off the feeling that he should.

 

It was a fucking dream. Ryan should shut his brain off thinking that a fucking dream of Kassian choking on his own puke and dying could be real. How can an assassin die of inebriation? Would it even be possible to kill the man? Still, Ryan have read dozens of books and watched television shows with the deadliest characters dying with the most ridiculous of ways.

 

Un- _ fucking _ -fair.

 

Ryan should be spared of this agony.

 

Wasn’t he the one who turned him down? Wasn’t he the one who denied Kassian of whatever it was he felt?

 

Ever since they fled from the Agency, Ryan was a mess. He had been in and out of concentration. He would always space out, wake up in the middle of the night, get angry easily. He knew it was normal. They are still unaware of the fate of their friends. Ryan sometimes dreamt about Carhart and Emilio, alive but not well; sometimes it was Owen and Jeffrey, bruised and dying; sometimes it was Boyd and Hsin, separated and tortured; most of the time, it was him and Kassian. All of those dreams had Shane in them and Ryan would shut his mind off every time his mind forces him to.

 

Despite these though, Kassian was there. The former level 10 agent sat beside him, comforted him. He was a pillar to hold on to, assuring Ryan that he was not alone, that he would never be alone.

 

-

 

The blood that painted his palm on the third cough triggered the panic. Without his meds, his body would deteriorate and he was certain there was no way to escape death. He couldn’t understand Kassian’s insistence in finding a way to cure him or finding money to get him his drugs.They fought a lot. Ryan did not need Kassian to survive and he made clear of that but Kassian pointed out that it wasn’t because Ryan was weak.

 

“You’re one of the bravest and strongest people I know.” Kassian told him, voice firm as his eyes. “You’re not weak, Ry. I just want to help you because…”

 

Ryan frowned at Kassian that night. He did not want to hear what he was gonna say. But Kassian made it clear.

 

“Because I don’t want to lose you. I want to be here for you. I don’t want you feeling like I’ve abandoned you.”

 

“I don’t need your pity.”

 

“Damn it, Ry! It’s not pity!” Kassian was growing restless. He was sober but there was stench of whiskey on his breath. “I just… I’m scared.”

 

Ryan did not understand how Kassian could be scared. It was him who was sick, it was him who would suffer the most. And somehow, a part of Ryan had given up the fight for it. He had nothing anyway. His friends, his team --- they’re on parts unknown. There was no one to fight for, and he was getting tired of it. If life decided to end his game, then maybe it was time.

 

But then, at that very moment, Kassian spoke:  “I’m scared to lose you, okay.”

 

It was bitterness and fear. It was denial because Ryan immediately regretted the next words that came out of his mouth. “Because you’re scared to lose your little twink? Don’t worry, Kass, you’ll find someone new soon enough after I die.”

 

That was their first fight and Ryan was the first one to apologize. He realised after that time he did not want to die ---  not yet, at least.

 

_

 

It must’ve been the fear, the frustration, the anger of everything. They had been  desperate. Ryan expected it, the touches, the kisses, the sex. They were there. Knowing Kassian, there would always be sex.

 

He should’ve stopped it. He should’ve said no, but he needed it too. He might have needed it more than Kassian did. Kassian could always pull a stranger off the street. Women and men would be begging to get fucked by that man and Ryan have no one else.

 

Kassian had been the only person he had and he needed him to be there physically. He wanted Kassian as close to him as possible because as much as it frightens him, Kassian should be  _ his _ .

 

He was getting used to it --- nights filled with moans and sweat, and mornings tangled in sheets and kisses.

 

It was then Ryan realised he still wanted that. He wanted to last longer only to feel Kassian beside him. He could deny it as many times as he could but the relief that overwhelmed him when Kassian and him started figuring things out was enough to prove him wrong.

 

He wanted to stay longer, he wanted to give an effort to it, because it was Kassian.

 

At least they were there for each other. It was a start.

 

-

 

But then... he said it:

 

_ “I love you, Ryan.” _

 

Ryan did not understand how those words frighten him until it was said to him.

 

Everything came crumbling down. It was not just because he didn't want it but because it was Kassian.

 

They were a team but that was it. Kassian was not allowed to fall in love with him. And is Kassian even in love with him? Ryan couldn’t even understand his own feelings towards the man. He cared for him; he wanted him to be there for him... but to love him?

 

Ryan’s mind was in all sorts of panic. Those three words ruined the peace they had. What if, he did not want to be alone because he got no one else?

 

What if whatever Kassian felt for him has just been mistaken for love?

What if Kassian felt alone that’s why he said it?

What if he sees Ryan as his family and nothing else that’s why he said it?

What if he was just desperate?

 

Ryan could not live with that.

And it was Kassian for fuck’s sake.

 

Kassian Trovosky does not do love.

 

And so Ryan did what he always does. He pushed him away. He shut him off.

 

He wanted Kassian to understand that it wasn't what he wants. Ryan is there because they have no one, but Ryan cannot be someone he feels for. They could not have what Hsin and Boyd have. They could not be like them.

 

They went through hell together but it would never be enough to fall in love.

 

Ryan did not understand why it frightened him but it did.

 

He wanted Kassian to shut up about it and just continue how they were. The physicality of their relationship was enough. It was a desperate outlet for frustration and fear. Ryan did not want more.

 

Or did he?

 

“Don’t say that!” He answered, the words came out in a snap, an automatic response in his head. He felt his chest tighten as he looked at Kassian’s hopeful eyes.

 

“But, Ry.”

 

“Stop! Kass, we’re good. Just.. don’t.. Don’t say that. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

 

“But I do, you can’t tell me how to feel.”

 

“You don't even know what love is...so don’t. Don’t go throwing words like that to me.”

 

Kassian’s brow furrowed in question. He was pissed and confused at the same time. Ryan wanted to straighten the creases on his forehead but stopped himself. Balling his fist, he looked at the other fear.

 

“Kassian, it's not like that.”

 

-

 

When three nights had passed and Kassian did not return, Ryan realised he fucked up with his words once again. He wanted Kassian to understand that he can’t be like that. That they can’t be like that. He wanted Kassian and him as a team but nothing else, hopefully, nothing more.

 

Ryan had been rejected all his life. People came into his life and left him. Most of the time they used him. The only time he felt he belonged was when Boyd joined in and their team grew stronger than ever. Owen and Jeffrey were friends but he knew back then they were temporary as the Agency dictates. Carhart acted as a good father figure but Ryan knew his limits.

 

And now, he did not have that either. He did not have Boyd, and his team.

 

Kassian had been there, but they weren’t even that close until Boyd went on the extended mission. But he was the only constant reminder that that family had been real.

 

It must’ve been physical attraction, but love? Maybe not. Plus, Ryan did not want Kassian to leave him just because of a stupid feeling he thought he felt.

 

He did not want anything stronger that a physical connection because he doesn’t deserve that. Ryan is expendable. Kassian does not deserve him and Kassian cannot fall in love with him. The companionship was what they needed at times like this. It was supposed to be enough.

 

-

 

In too much reverie and anger, Ryan slammed the keyboard with his hands. Turning away from his computer, he sighed in frustration. He started this, and now he’s feeling guilty over everything.

 

He turned his palm over and stared at it. The familiar tingle was still there. Kassian likes to hold his hand. The taller man would usually grab his fingers and kiss them gently, one by one, until he reaches his palm and would move it towards his face. Ryan liked the feel of Kassian’s scruff on  his palms. He likes the feeling of Kassian’s lips on it. For years, Ryan had touched nothing but keyboards. His fingers were abused by constant typing and clicking on raw technology. Only Kassian gives it the gentlest of touches.

 

Now, it would be possible that he wouldn’t be feeling them anymore. He wouldn’t be surprise if Kassian leaves him to look for a different escape. He was a burden anyway.

 

Somehow, that left a pinch in his chest.

 

“Bastard.” He muttered. “Stupid selfish bastard.”

 

He was not certain to  whom he was telling those words. Kassian, or himself.

 

“Fuck you, Kass.” he spoke once more. His left arm covered his eyes as he felt the wetness in his eyelids. It was unfair. He was worried and yet, he was too in denial to move out and look for him. He was too frightened to show any concern because Kassian might look at it another way and this would just become complicated.

  
  


“Ry?”

 

The sound was just too surreal. Ryan had been waiting for that deep accented voice for four fucking days and he was almost giving up on hearing it again.

 

Turning to where the door was, Ryan’s eyes widened as Kassian stood there, his helmet between his waist and arm and a plastic bag on the other.

 

“Ry, are you okay?”

 

He stood up abruptly, almost losing his balance. He looked at him. He was sober for goodness sake. He was wearing the same shirt he wore when he left. He did not smell of alcohol or sex or ever smoke. There were dark circles under his eyes, but nothing had changed.

 

Kassian waited for a response. There was worry in his eyes and Ryan felt his chest loosen with every second that passed.

 

“No, you fucking, idiot! I’m not!”

 

He stride towards the taller man, fisted his hands and hit his chest a couple of times. “I thought you were dead! I thought you left for good, you fucking bastard!” The words lacked conviction. They were of pain and frustration and glee. Kassian must’ve heard it because Ryan heard the thump of helmet and plastic bag on the floor.

 

Soon enough, those arms were around him, making him still.

 

Kassian pulled him closer, tighter in his body.

 

“I’m sorry, Ry. I’m sorry for making you worry.” Kassian spoke on his crown, inhaling his scent. Ryan closed his eyes, feeling the warm body against him. He missed this. He realised he missed this feeling. “I just thought you needed space.”

 

Ryan pushed his head closer against Kassian’s chest not really knowing what to say. He cannot trust his mind to speak out right now. He might say something that he could not. Not yet.

 

“But I’m not sorry for saying those words, because it’s true, Ry.”

 

_ Stop _ . Ryan’s head was throbbing. _ Don’t say it. _

 

Kassian pulled away slightly. He thumbed Ryan’s chin and pushed up to force him to look in his eyes. “And I’ll wait until you’re ready to accept them. We’re both scared, but we’re together. We’ll be fine.”

 

The tears were there. He could feel them ready to fall. But he couldn’t let Kassian see it. So Ryan pulled Kassian down and kissed him. He needed distraction, he cannot overthink again, not when Kassian had just returned.

 

They’re both going to get a good sleep tonight. 

  
  
**END**  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :)


End file.
